Today I am.....

a little bit mad

a little bit sad

a little bit hurt.



No matter what you do, big or small, some people will never appreciate it. I wish some feelings I have would just die. I'm tired of feeling how I have been feeling. THIS IS SO DAMN FRUSTRATING!!! I definitely need to give dating a rest. I would like to have someone nice to spend time with, but I can't handle any sort of BS right now. I want something simple. I am developing more patience and finding comfort being alone with me (which is something sooooo important). Focusing on other endeavors and hoping that will come along when it is supposed to.

My mom spent about 2 weeks with me here in Texas. Dropped her off at the airport earlier and she made it safely back to Ohio. My place is so quiet with it just being me now. It looks absolutely beautiful in here though.... The artwork, rugs, pillows, furniture, bed linens, etc. The only thing left to finish is to buy a chest of drawers and a tv stand for my bedroom and decorate the bathroom. It really feels like home. I am sooooo thankful to be able to stay by myself and have such a nice apartment while in college. God is soooo good.

School starts on monday. December 19, 2009 at 9a.m. I will be walking across the stage and getting my diploma. It is so surreal. Hoping to end it with a ton of wonderful memories and a 4.0 for the semester. Looks like I will be hanging around Houston in the spring while I await to hear the outcome of the medical school application process. You only go through undergrad once. I have held back for so long but I am ready to just do me. No matter what ANYONE has to say.

Still taking small steps to becoming a better me. Every day is a struggle but I am happy to be alive and praising God for allowing me to see every new day.

So today for a small part of the day... I had a pity party. Normally they last a day or two (which used to be much worse). I thought about him and got frustrated. Frustrated about how easy it is for some people to just walk away. Makes you feel as if they don't care about all the hurtful things they did to you. It really sucks and it doesn't sit well with me. And hell, if they don't care why the heck do I care so much. Sometimes there are no apologies and you have to find closure for yourself. I guess since a lot of wounds are still healing....I still feel the pain. The feeling usually passes after I remember nothing can be changed. I could've walked away a long time ago, but I didn't so I realize I played a role in some of how I feel. I gave all I had, and thats all that matters right? Finally I can laugh at the saying "If it's not broken, then don't fix it" but I add "If it's not all the way right, then walk away..." I wish him the best and hope he finds whatever he is looking for. Maybe one day we will be friends again.

Funny thing, I always secretly hope that the guys who don't do right by me treat whoever the next person they are with with the highest amount respect and care. Everyone deserves to be happy. No man or woman should be in the business of breaking hearts..... I can only imagine how karma will play a role in their lives. I don't wish anything bad on anyone because I'm not perfect. I have noticed that the bad things we do in life have a way of manifesting themselves in a multitude of ways....ggrrrrr lol

A few weeks/months from now it will all be a distant memory, just as every other moment in life. No matter how many times I re-play the details, nothing will change. I have a lot to look forward to. With that said i'm done with that.


Test day is quickly approaching. Exhaustion is setting in. I find myself tired like alllllll day. I have been leaning on friends for encouragement when I can't seem to summon up enough myself...lol I don't look at the test as a burden anymore, but as something to look forward to. I've been wanting to go to med school for as long as I can remember. It is a necessary step... so I am ready to show what I know. 4 years of challenging science courses under the belt.... I can handle it. Fixing my attitude in advance so I won't sabotage myself test day.

Excited about heading back to my apartment this weekend to finish buying furniture and decorating. My mom is staying for about 2 weeks. It will be good to spend the extra time with her. I can finally buy a TV for the living room and get the cable/internet turned on. I am soooooo blessed and glad to finally have a place of my own. These bills aren't looking too pretty though....but peace of mind is important.

Life is looking good. I feel an even bigger change coming..... don't know what it is yet..... but I feel it deep down in my soul. My heart is open. God is filling me up more and more every day. I won't complain.

Made some small changes to the theme/pics/page.... I like.

My life is moving in slow motion.... not really sure where to begin or end.

The MCAT has taken over my life.. I eat, sleep, and breathe biology, gen chem, organic chem, physics, and verbal reasoning.

August 14th that monkey will be off my back and the waiting game will begin.....


Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own mind......